Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mybloodykissxxx's LiveJournal:

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Friday, November 13th, 2009
Friday November 13th, 2009	Life in general. Why do I not deserve something better? I care about him. I may actually be in... well. I just can't stand for being lied to. I can't stand for being shut out. I can't break down walls and make progress only to have more walls put up. You have broken my heart more then once now. The first time it was yours to feel shameful about and then after it was all me. I want to keep giving you chances. I want to believe that your changing and will let me in... but the cold hard truth is that your not going to let me in and you'll never be the person that you want to be for me. I can't do it. You say your not good for me, and your right. You cause me pain and I cause you drama. We both strive for the attention too much and now its become negative attention. I want to be what you need, but I can't fix you. You need to do that yourself. Remember, you'll always have a piece of my heart. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: David Archuletta- Crush
0 : ballerina
Monday, August 3rd, 2009
Monday August 3rd, 2009	Thoughts on Virginity. I'm young, I'm impressionable, I'm vulnerable. I have never met someone like this boy before. He absolutely may have my heart. I'm at that point where I need to make this huge decision, and I know I'm ready to make the jump... I just can't handle the rejection. He tells me he's falling for me, but it could be a lie... I have been lied to before. It's not a bathroom one night stand and I know that. My body reacts to his touch in a way that my body has never reacted. I don't know what he's doing to me. It says something that he's taking days off from work to spend with me, but does it convey the right message? Oh I am stuck. I know how I feel and I know what I want, but am I just another girl to him? Or am I special? I want to be special. He talks about me like I'm beautiful, and that he's never felt a connection like this with anyone else. I want to be that girl, but is it lies? I guess I won't know, I'll just have to decide. Current Mood: Vulnerable Current Music: Peaches- Fuck the Pain Away.
0 : ballerina
Sunday, March 29th, 2009
Sunday March 29th, 2009	Today is the day in the month that I absolutely dread. Today is the day that I don't write down on papers. Today is the day when I realize I've grown another month colder. I hope today brings you four months of Peace Brandon. 09/07/89-11/29/08 RIP. I miss you so terribly much that it hurts a little. And to add to the sadness of the date, it's always rainy on this day of the month. Yuck. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: Sugarland- It happens.
0 : ballerina
Saturday, March 21st, 2009
Saturday March 21st, 2009	Uhg, You want to tell me that I'm a bad friend? You want to tell me that for months I didn't ask you how you were? I called all the time, and got the same watered down excuses. I haven't gotten a phone call from you in months, I always call you. Have you asked me how I'm doing lately? Because I'm not fine. I'm not going to feed you that bull shit line. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Taylor Swift- the Way I Loved You.
0 : ballerina
Friday, March 20th, 2009
Friday March 20th, 2009	I put up a front. I have spent the last four years of my life putting up walls. It's impossible for me to be expressive as of late. Everyone thinks I'm going insane. I probably am. I'm losing myself within the walls that I've put up so that no one can hurt me. I'm trying to forgive people that have hurt me in the past, but it's just so hard for me to do. I put so much blame on others and especially on myself for what they have done to me. I can't help the fact that I'm too giving of a person and people take advantage of that. I can't help the fact that I want my life back. I want to be fun again. Current Mood: cold Current Music: Leann Womack- Last Call.
0 : ballerina
Saturday, March 7th, 2009
Saturday March 7th, 2009	Legit... I'm better than you. I don't talk shit. I say to your face the things that you'd say behind my back. I'm not afraid of you. I don't fuck around when it comes to you. I'm not in high school so I don't create this drama. I've grown apart from you because I chose to, not because it's what you wanted. You are not me. I am nothing like you. I'm not backstabbing. I'd die for my friends, and would never intentionally hurt them. Unlike you, I have class. I don't dress like a skank to get attention. I don't party to get attention. I don't do anything, I just am. Therefore, you can take all of the time I wasted on you... and shove it up your sorry ass. Because at least I can hold onto my dignity after you slandered my name to everyone you've ever met. I don't usually hold a grudge, but this one I'll take to my grave. You used me for my friends. You took advantage of my situation. You broke every promise. You lied obsessively, and so did I. You got everything that mattered to me, and I still walked away from the mess you left me in and kept on moving. Continually you obsess over this situation, and the fact that we are no longer friends. As do I. After as long as we were friends you'd think that we could manage a simple comment that was out of context. I just think it's hilarious that you have a right to hate me after everything I've done for you. I AM a good friend, you just aren't. It's fucked up how I can think about it now and not feel anything, but still need to vent. Fuck you, and goodbye. Current Mood: cold Current Music: 30 Seconds to Mars.
2 : ballerina
Sunday, December 21st, 2008
Sunday December 21st, 2008	Uhg I realize no one's good at it, but I seem to be really bad with Death and Losing people. It breaks my heart everytime someone moves away. With Brandon gone, and Telly leaving... it just seems to be caving in. I don't have much to look forward to right now. I hardly see sam. Tyler's far away. Meg's busy with the baby. Sean's busy with an actual job. And grieving seem's to get the better of me when I try to make new friends. It just seems like a never ending story. I despise growing up. The whole thought of aging freaks me out. I've never been afraid of death, but I've discovered a new phobia with the passing of Brandon and now the mere thought of it gives me the heebie jeebies. I hope I don't live to see 50. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Kenny Chesney- Who You'd be Today.
0 : ballerina
Saturday, September 20th, 2008
Saturday September 20th, 2008	It's been two months since my last post. I think I said that I randomly feel the need to vent. I'm happy. Very happy. Especially for how my life is right now. I'm finally back to my family oriented self. I've seen my cousin and aunts and uncles so much in the past month that I haven't had time to feel out of place. I stopped talking to a few people who were, in a way, holding me back. I also lost a part of myself that was bothering me. I'm not really sure how I should feel right now. I'm a little drunk so I could feel any number of ways. Current Music: The jonas brothers?
0 : ballerina
Saturday, July 26th, 2008
Saturday July 26th, 2008	I go months without needing to vent. And then all of a sudden, Something happends. My birthday sucked. It was good for some points, but in general it was bad. I guess when I get myself excited for something going right, things get miserable for me. I'm really not sure why, but I feel misplaced. I don't feel like I belong anymore. I've felt like this for a few months now, but it just seems to get worse. I don't like how anything is going in my life. I'm even fighting with my best friend over things that never mattered before. My brain feels wrong, my heart feels nonexistant.. and I'm not sure what I'm living off of anymore. Dreams? maybe, but I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. I'm constantly worried about everyone around me. I've never had to worry about anyone, but now I feel as though something is wrong with everyone around me. I'm going to move away soon. As soon as I get some money saved up, and I figure out what I need to be doing.. I don't know where I'm going.. and I don't suppose I'll know when I get there. I just need to be out of here. I need a change thats bigger than me changing my job and school. I need to find new friends, and I need to find a new life. I want to fall in love with a person and not the idea of a person. I've fallen too easily, and I'm finally over you after 4 years of hell. It feels fantastic, but now I'm empty and I'm ready to move on in my own ways. I'm sick of being pushed away when I need to feel close to someone. I feel crazy. I feel like I'm out of my head with Ideas that never mattered. I guess this was just a crazy rant, and I don't want anyone to think that I'm not happy.. because in some fucked up twisted way I'm fantastic. I'm in a relatively good mood. I'm just losing my head. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Underoath....
0 : ballerina
Monday, May 26th, 2008
Monday May 26th, 2008	I'd of had to miss the dance. Last night was the most amazing night I've taken part in since last summer. Partly because it was the first bonfire of the summer. I bought a cake for all the graduaters and sean who is leaving me. I was going in to the bathroom and sam came up behind me during a Jason Mraz song, and we started to dance just like we did at my Freshman year Homecoming. Wow thinking back on it, that was a long ass time ago. We've come so far since we were those crazy ass kids. We've grown up to fast, and gotten really crazy ideas about things we know nothing about. And somehow after everything, we've managed to still be friends. It really is amazing that I've only got three friends left from before my sophmore year. I've distanced myself with a lot of that drama. I miss some of them, but for the most part I think that I'm better off where I am now in life. I just found out that I got my financial aid! Current Mood: happy Current Music: Jason Mraz- You and I both
0 : ballerina
Saturday, March 29th, 2008
Saturday March 29th, 2008	On a more optomistic note.. I'm going back to school next semester no matter what. I don't care what I have to do. I'm going back full time with 6 classes and I'm dropping down to part time at work, and hopefully finding a new job so that I can leave the job that I have now for good. I hate it. I'm selling my car and buying a new car that is better. I'm taking out student loans to pay for college, and that's just how it's got to be. Current Mood: creative Current Music: The hush sound.
0 : ballerina
Sunday, March 16th, 2008
Sunday March 16th, 2008	What a weekend My car is dead. as in DEAD. I just bought it in November and it's already gone to be repaired three times. This is the fourth. Fuck I have no money to fix it. I feel as though life has spiraled downward since graduation, and somehow I took the wrong path. I should have stayed at Sonny's and quit with Amy. I should have done a lot of things that I didn't do. I'm supposed to go back to school next semester, but how am I going to be able to afford it? I can't even afford the few things I do have. I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Life just keeps going and I'm not going with it. I'm somehow still going against the current and I don't know why. I wish all of these things could be answered. I wish I had better friends. I just feel like sobbing uncontrolably. hmph. what do I do? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: The Rocket Summer.
0 : ballerina
Sunday, February 10th, 2008
Sunday February 10th, 2008	All the changes. Every day we seem to wake up just the same as any other day. It's so funny to me, that when I look backk at two years ago.. I wake up just the same. After waking up I come to realize how different everything is in my life. I'm not the same girl I was two years ago. I don't even have the same friends that I had two years ago. Sure there are the occasional kids that have stuck around, but for the most part.. My life has completely changed. In some aspects that is a good thing. I do miss the past some days. It's funny to see the people I used to call family now. They have not changed as much as I have. Some of them have changed more. I'm kind of dissappointed by these changes in a few of them. I only wish that I could show them how much better off I am now, than I was then. Maybe then I could prove I was never a lost cause. Oh well, I still have won in the long run. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: The beatles.
0 : ballerina
Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
Wednesday December 13th, 2006	He is legend. Where did she go? I do not know in which direction was it snowing? I'll turn around again. Paint over pictures on the wall, I can't believe she gave me alcohol. I thought of Jezebel. Hung from a wrecking ball, to see a fashion show. I think you know me well...I think you know me well. You know me well...you know me well. Juliet, you know you want it. You know you want it. You know you want it. You know you want it. I’ve been receiving strange phone calls from the city. And I will not extend my hand to the general. And I do not think the people will remember us. Alright! Hung from a wrecking ball to see a fashion show. I think you know me well...I think you know me well. Break it down! I’ve been receiving strange phone calls from the city. And I will not extend my hand to the general. And I do think the people the people will remember us. I wanna find out where you live! Hung from a wrecking ball, to view a fashion show. I think you know me well...I think you know me well. I’ve been jumping over buildings. I’ve been sleeping in the street. Mr. Jones will be right with you, if you would just have a seat. Well, I’ll meet you at the river where we both can clear our heads. I think we would look great dead. I’ve gone so far, to find the princess. She's in the other castle. And I’m dancing with a Capulet. We’re so crazy in love. Juliet, you know you want it. You know you want it. You know you want it. You know you want it.
0 : ballerina
Monday, December 4th, 2006
Monday December 4th, 2006	uhg. I dont know why I really bother to try to talk to you. I don't know why I really care. fighting with the boy again. The past month has been a mess because of my stupidity. why did I let you get hurt again, why oh why did I fall so hard all over again. this was my fucking stupid mistake. all of it was a miswsunderstanding, you will NEVER love me the way that you love her. Current Mood: angry Current Music: matchbook romance- tigerlily.
0 : ballerina
Friday, November 10th, 2006
Friday November 10th, 2006	I hate how. You constantly make me feel like I've done something wrong. And you treat my like the dirt that we walk in. And I've done everything for you. And even still, I can't just let it go and give up. And I don't miss you. But I miss being near you. And how the drive is never quite the same without you. And how it was supposed to be you and I driving for miles and miles. But I'm glad it's not. I'm glad that I found some new sort of normalcey. And I'm glad that it involves someone who loves me just as much as I love them. And shows it. I hate doubting you, because it hurts. But I feel used, and I feel like everything I did was a waste of your time. I feel like I wasted so much effort and time on you. When in reality you just wanted me for everything I had. Well you can have it. I don't want it back. I reinvented myself. And I like this me better. I'm not afraid of you anymore. I'll fight for myself. And I won't let you tear me apart. So run away from all of me. And all the times we had. Best of luck, because no one else will let you walk all over them as much as I have. But don't ever, for one second doubt how much I cared about you. If you ever do, then just make eye contact with me. The compassion still burns inside of me. I'll never forget you. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: the jonah veil
0 : ballerina
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
Saturday September 9th, 2006	I'd hate to say it. but I knew that Tom really would have been the perfect boy for me.  Providing he didn't live 4 hours away.  I love everything else about him.  oh well I really am over it now. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: daphne loves derby.
0 : ballerina
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
Wednesday September 6th, 2006	attempting a heart felt entry.. when your not sure how much of a heart you could possibly have left, is quite interesting actually. I really wish that I could find someone to make me as happy as I make them. Someone who would take care of me when I'm drunk, and put me to sleep after a long night even if it meant holding me in his arms while I fought with him until I passed out. someone who would kiss me on the cheek. someone who would make me soup. someone with lots of compassion. someone who had the balls to call me after having an intense night together. someone who didn't end an amazing event with the statement, "your going to make someone a wonderful girlfriend" in a sense I guess you can see what the main picture is... I wish I could find someone who wasn't going to use me like a piece of trash. I feel like white trash right now, especially since I could not pick him out of a crowd... unless his pants were down. no we didn't have sex.  but still.. I don't remember what he looks like.  it makes me so discusted. I don't know. I just wish I had someone right now to keep me warm. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: chase hill.
0 : ballerina
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
Sunday August 6th, 2006	gah. I wish I had time to fucking sleep. It's been 4 days now since the last time I've slept more than an hour.  grr it pisses me off.  all I do is lay there thinking, and being annoyed and sick of thinking. grrrr.
5 : ballerina
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
Thursday July 6th, 2006	I HATE IT! first lets start off with the lyrics. the lyrics that describe me right now.  How long will I be waiting? Until the end of time I don't know why I'm still waiting I can't make you mine and nothing else describes this situation.  I can't make this feeling go away.  I've been stuck with it for such an awfully long time.  I love you, and you always complain about not having someone.  I'M STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!  are you blind?  or am I just not anything more than Jess to you?  Will you ever notice that I'm right in front of you?  Will you ever stop chasing these annoying girls that really don't care about you around?  I doubt it, I'll always just be the girl standing in the back of the photo tapping on your shoulder.  I'll always be the girl that you turn to when you need comfort and nothing more. And the worst part about all of this... is I'm talking about three different people. And I don't have a chance with any one of them. God I hate life right now. stop it, stop it. ♥ Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: simple plan- I can't stay.
0 : ballerina